


China In Your Hand

by Polarnacht



Series: Parabatai [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Bittersweet, Falling In Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, parabatai love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25219504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: When Jace and Alec realize that they have made a mistake, it is already too late. They are already bonded for life. But neither Jace nor Alec can help falling for the other. They are trapped in a love that is forbidden but yet so strong that it feels right. There is no way in and no way out, until Alec meets Magnus and starts to fall, for the second time in his life.Disclaimer: Jace and Alec are not actually romantically together in this story, but the story is about the love they hold for each other. Endgame is Malec.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Parabatai [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827145
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57





	China In Your Hand

China In Your Hand

When they realized their mistake, it was already too late. They were already bonded for life. Their souls were entwined, melted together by an ancient ritual no one was supposed to severe. And even if they wanted, they didn’t thought they’d survive. The thought of ripping the other’s soul out of their own unthinkable – and yet, sometimes it was all Jace and Alec could think of. When they trained together, their hearts synchronizing and beating as one, their hot breaths on sweaty, naked skin – the thought took room in them, desperately trying to convince both of them that it was worth the separation of their bond. That _they_ were worth it.

When Alec panted Jace’s name softly in his ear and Jace growled Alec’s possessively in response, they were not sure what counted more. The longing or their sacred bond. They had made a mistake when they were 14 and 16 years old – and they paid for it ever since. They had discovered that they felt more soon after the ceremony. More affection than even Parabatai should feel, more connection, more love than especially Jace had ever thought capable of feeling. They just felt more anything. And yet, something held them back. Their shared souls clinged to each other and both were afraid what breaking their bond would do to themselves, to the other and _them._ Could there be a _them_ when there was no shared heartbeat, when there was no attuned movements, no joint soul?

Of course they had considered to say screw the rules, screw everything. But they both knew the tales and the legends about what happened when Parabatai corrupted their bond. Unimaginable powers followed by destruction and death. And though Jace would do everything to just feel Alec’s lips on his own once, he wouldn’t do something that could harm Alec. And Alec just couldn’t risk Jace. They were trapped in a swirl of wanting, of loving and being loved and the need to hold back to keep the other safe.

They dealt very differently with it. Jace went out, pursuing the easy pleasure with willing girls, finding release for his bodily desires, but always left empty with the one thing his heart craved but never could have. Alec just didn’t date at all. Where was the point when he knew his heart belonged to someone else anyway? Where was the point kissing someone else when all he wanted to do was kissing Jace?

But there was more to them than just their longing and want. They were boys growing up to become warriors. When they stood back to back, their bond humming in between contently and they charged against the demon of the day, adrenaline pulsating through their veins, it was pure joy they felt. The joy of having found someone they could rely blindly on, no matter what was about to come. They trusted each other with their lives, their hopes, their souls.

When they chased each other over the roofs of New York or Idris, they called it training – but in reality it was them breaking free. High above everyone else, there were no rules but their own, there was the freedom they both desperately needed. For this time, they could just be them, Alec and Jace. It was then when they shared their first beer and Alec would never forget the way Jace laughed at his disgusted face when the bitter taste of alcohol hit his tongue. It was a joyful carefree laugh Alec loved so much and heard so seldom. He joint in, until they both didn’t know what they were laughing about. It was one of the reasons they had become Parabatai. They weren’t just warriors with a joint soul, they were partners in crime.

But there were also the looks that lingered too long on the other. The way Jace couldn’t draw his eyes from his Parabatai’s Adam’s apple when he swallowed, the way Alec’s eyes followed the movement of Jace’s lips indicated the longing for more. When they caught each other staring their eyes locked and for a moment frozen in time, they just looked, exchanging the silent _what ifs_ that were ringing loudly in their heads. Until one of them broke out of the trance, giving the other free.

Their touches were casual – until they weren’t. Their foreheads were pressed together when tracking someone just a little longer than necessary, their fingers touched slightly while walking next to each other, their shoulders brushed and their thighs were pressed together while sitting in the corner of a dark bar. They trained with bare chests, just to feel the textures of their skins. They always took their time runing the other, carefully pressing the cold Stele against hot skin, kneeling in front of the other to find the perfect spot for the necessary rune. When Alec knelt before Jace and the stinging pain from a freshly applied rune rushed through his body, Jace’s lips parted slightly in a silent moan, thinking of other ways Alec could kneel for him and hoping, the runing would never end. But it always did.

It could have gone on forever like that, a dance in a circle, back and forth, with no way out, if their whole world hadn’t been shaken to the core. Valentine, the greatest villain in recent history, resurfaced after the Clave believed him dead for years. Jace, Alec and Izzy met a mundane girl, that had lost all her memories of the Shadow World, but clearly was one of their own. They agreed to help her get her memories back to be able to fight Valentine. For that they needed to deal with the High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane. And Alec’s world got shaken again. A few words and his world burnt like just once before. He blushed under the heat and one look in Jace’s direction told him he knew. But Alec couldn’t help it, and he was also not sure if he wanted to help it. When they kissed for the first time, all Alec could think about was Magnus until he couldn’t think at all.

Of course Jace knew, he could feel it in their bond, he could see it in Alec’s eyes. Alec was happier. He drew back, they started to fight with words like never before. Words spoken in anger and hurt, but none of them spoken from the heart. Alec was nearly relieved when they finally fought for real. When Jace had him cornered, pressed against a wall, his hands on his head, their hips pressed together, he just held still, acknowledging his surrender.

Jace felt Alec’s breath against his hot skin, he felt Alec’s heart beating strongly against his own. They looked at each other, panting lightly, their hearts wanting to beat in the same rhythm like they were used to. Certainly not for the first, but maybe for the last time, they wondered how the other would taste, how they would feel if they just pressed their lips together. How it would sound to hear the other moan one’s name for real, how it would feel to lick away the tears and lick into the other’s mouth. It would be so easy. Jace just needed to lean in, he knew Alec wouldn’t draw away. He knew he held both their hearts in his hand and he could crush them both with one kiss, as neither of them would stop that kiss. Neither of them would ever stop kissing once started. But he couldn’t. It was Alec and he couldn’t. It hurt, but it was Alec. So instead of kissing, he started to speak.

“He loves you.”

“I know.”

“Because you love him, too.”

“Yes.”

The saddest and equally the most happiest smile Alec had ever seen appeared on Jace’s face. Alec couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have found not one but two loves in his life. He couldn’t believe how unlucky he was because he could never have both. Not in the way he truly wanted. But maybe in a way that was enough.

“Will you let me go, Jace?”

The last opportunity to stop it all, to start the dance anew. But of course Jace would let Alec go. Because it was Alec. Because he loved him more than he loved himself.

“Parabatai.” Each syllable held all the pain, the love, the letting go. Instead of their lips Jace pressed their foreheads together, their hearts finally adjusting to the same tune.

“Parabatai,” Alec whispered back. A sacred oath, a sacred bond. Closer than blood. Closer than friends. But never lovers.

Jace could feel his heart break. A crack ran through it, right in the middle, but it never stopped beating. It broke, but it didn’t shatter.

“If he hurts you, I’ll hurt him.”

“I think he knows that. And he never will.”

“Good.”

Jace gave Alec one last look before he turned around and left, without checking if Alec followed. He knew he would. They were Parabatai.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved 💙


End file.
